I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I have no passwords left in me
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
also my go-to takeaway order
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney