If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*bites zombie*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?