Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.