Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The “research” scene in every horror movie
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.