Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
honestly, i need both:
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.