Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.