This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Realize this:
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you