We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.