The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
How animals would run if they were human
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[eulogy]
line?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.