Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP