My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
These are my roll models.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)