“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita