TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
the three genders
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.