Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.