“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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My dress code is business-casualty.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Feels
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.