Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Good boy 😂😂
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo