Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
pep talk
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore