if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
buying dead houseplants to save time
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.