Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.