Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Okay, I’m still confused…
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.