The Purge: Valentine’s Day
You Might Also Like
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work