Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?