If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Stop it! 😂
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32