[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.