If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism