Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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With the rise of self driving cars, itβs only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guyβs truck leaves him too.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could βfeel the polka dotsβ if youβre wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I canβt Brie-lieve this…
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
βItβs early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.β
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Donβt be alarmed,
youβre not a clock.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
quarantine day 3
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?β
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.β
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Lady t-rex: Iβm tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: π
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.