My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Not recommended for beginners.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
nyc:
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.