If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Nomnomnomnom
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what