When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries