I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus