[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*