Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I want what they have
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Bless you
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.