A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I want what they have
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
#winning
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah