[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna