So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit