I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
We need to put an American base on the sun
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.