I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.