by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.