Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
How does one answer this?
“What movie?” 🤔
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“You want me to do what?!”🤣