Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.