As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I’m not proud
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much