Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
A leaf blower, but for people.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??