[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Every time.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?