the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
don’t we all
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary