If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Can’t stop laughing
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
🙀🙀🙀😹
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs