Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.