mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
What even happened today?
File under excellent bookstore names.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”