Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.