it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations