I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel